Next month, I will have reached two full years of being entirely sober from all drugs, including alcohol. I have consumed caffeine daily, though, and occasionally use nicotine in social settings, but by and large, I consider myself entirely sober in my mind and body. This lifestyle change has been one of the hardest decisions I’ve made, and it has completely paid off, changing my entire inner world.
The Years of Drinking
Youth Partying and Social Anxiety
When I was in my mid-teens, we started partying. It was incredibly fun. It felt like a fundamental step towards adulthood, and it was an amazing way to bond with my friends and to make new acquaintances.
Growing up, I had a lot of social anxiety and shyness. Alcohol felt like the magical solution. When I had alcohol in me, I felt like the most fun, social, and confident person I could be.
As the years went by, I fundamentally associated alcohol with socializing. When not in a school or work setting, alcohol was a constant presence when socializing. Particularly, when I was going to a party where I didn’t know anyone or only one person, I felt I needed to drink alcohol even before arriving at the event.
Swedish Social Drinking Culture
In Sweden, where I grew up and live, alcohol is an ingrained part of social life. Teenagers consume it at house parties, young adults go out to clubs and bars to get drunk, and adults drink it in a refined way of wine with their dinners and on all special occasions. Even at workplaces, an AW (After Work) is consistent with alcohol consumption.
So, I did not feel my drinking was a problem. No one else around me thought I had a problem, either. I always did well in my education, exercised, had good relationships and income, and cared for myself outwardly. Drinking alcohol and partying were just part of socializing. It was considered good and fun by others and me.
The only context in my life where alcohol was not normalized was in my family. Everyone in my family, except me, was sober. It felt weird to me because none of my friends, their parents, or colleagues were sober. I told myself it was because of culture, that they were Chinese, and some Chinese people don’t drink. Growing up, I always had to hide my drinking from my family, as I knew they’d disapprove.
Underground Rave Culture and Drugs
In my early 20s, I had moved away from home and had discovered the underground scene. I fell in love with rave culture around Europe – in Gothenburg, Stockholm, Berlin, Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Prague, Leipzig, and so on. I loved the music, I loved the freedom, the people, the places, the experiences. I even moved to Berlin to experience it fully.
This period of my life was invigorating. I felt so free. I felt on top of the world. But with every high comes even more brutal lows.
For me, having fun could be too much fun. But it is very hard to slow down when everything is incredibly exciting and fun, and when all the people around you are acting in a certain way. I knew I needed to slow down, and for years I joked with friends that “I’ll be sober. Soon. I’ll be 100% sober”. But I seldom went even a full week without going out.
Anxiety and Depression
During this amazing time in my life of travelling, living abroad, partying, socializing constantly, and meeting new people, I felt an ever-increasing pressure on my psyche. I felt anxious, I felt depressed, I felt tired. I was exhausted.
I felt exhausted from the intensity. In this whirlwind of intense experiences, who was I? What’s left of me when all of me has been spent?
I realized that all these things were toxic for me. I consider them all different types of drugs. It is not only hard drugs that are drugs, but alcohol is a drug too, and so is overconsumption of caffeine due to lack of sleep, and constant traveling.
Even the act of continuously moving to new countries and forming new and exciting friendships felt like drugs to me, since they all had incredible highs, but brought me anxiety, depression, and uneasiness as well.
A Natural Resistance – Asian Flush and Alcohol Intolerance
I wanted to change. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be sober. But I didn’t stop until my body forced me to.
I have always experienced Asian Flush. It’s a genetic condition where the body reacts badly to alcohol, making the skin turn red, the body swell, and causing headache and nausea. This condition worsened ten times during my mid-twenties which was, in hindsight, a great thing for me.
This genetic alcohol interolerance comes from the liver being unable to produce the enzyme ALDH2, which make the body unable to break down alcohol. It has been used to develop medication to treat alcoholism (Disulfiram). So, we can say that my body produced a natural medication against alcoholism.
In the span of two years, I could go from drinking 10 or more units in one night, to getting a headache and feeling ill after only 1 glass of wine or beer. I could go from exercising the day after drinking, to feeling hungover for four days.
However, my habit of drinking alcohol was so strong that even though I felt that ill, I continued to consume it, sometimes daily during the summers. I could not see a social life without alcohol. How could I party, dance, and go and meet new people without drinking? How could I live my best twenties if I didn’t participate?
The Big Decision
I am not sure what exactly triggered my sobriety. My natural intolerance to alcohol was a contributing factor, but not the only one. I think I decided that enough was enough. I think I was tired of being tired. I think I wanted to see what would happen if I decided to make such a big decision for myself.
Experiences From Early Days of Sobriety
In the beginning, being sober was incredibly hard. It was one of the hardest things I’ve forced myself to do. The more you forbid yourself to have something, the more you want it. That’s how it was for me. I was constantly thinking about alcohol and how I wanted to have fun, go out and party, and be relaxed.
In the early days, I read a lot of sobriety literature, such as Sober Curious: The Blissful Sleep, Greater Focus, Limitless Presence, and Deep Connection Awaiting Us All on the Other Side of Alcohol by Ruby Warrington. I also loved This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life by Annie Grace. I downloaded the I Am Sober app and followed subreddits on sobriety.
Simply put, sobriety became a big focus in my life. It was not passive, it was not easy, it was intentional. I needed constant reminders to myself to stay the course.
In the beginning, I did not set a timeline for being sober for a certain period of time or forever. I just wanted to be sober for a while and see what happens, as an experiment.
Seeing the Results of Sobriety
In a few weeks, my body leaned out, my skin started to glow, my energy was increasing, and I felt amazing. I had forgotten how it felt not to be constantly hungover. I loved this new experience.
I started exercising daily, eating healthier, and spent a lot of time alone reflecting. I realized how good this choice was for me. I didn’t know how long I’d be sober for, would it be 1 month, 6 months, or 1 year? 1 year of sobriety felt impossible to me, so I decided to think about it one day at a time.
Months passed. I noticed that all my relationships improved. I got into the groove of going out and dancing sober, of socialising sober, of overcoming my social anxiety for real, for the first time in my life. I felt I no longer needed the crutch of alcohol to socialize. My conversations with people at parties became more meaningful, deeper, and I actually remember them now.
I saw a great increase in productivity at work, with reading, and with my self-development work. This was amazing.
Sobriety is the Solution
Looking back, I can’t believe how bad I used to feel, physically and mentally, all for the sake of having fun. Now, I truly am having fun, without pain, and my definition of a well-enjoyed life has expanded. Now, I have a good shot at accomplishing all my dreams and goals. There is no one standing in my way, unlike before, when I was dragging myself down, blaming others for their bad influence, and constantly exhausted by my own choices.
Now, I feel in total control of myself, my body, mind, and life situation. I am fully awake. I am clear-sighted. I can trust myself, always. I always know I am in full command of my life situation, and it has made me incredibly more confident in myself.
I wish more people around me got to experience the joy of being fully sober. It is amazing!