{"id":6494,"date":"2022-01-20T17:49:23","date_gmt":"2022-01-20T17:49:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wendyzhou.se\/blog\/?p=6494"},"modified":"2025-10-14T16:13:00","modified_gmt":"2025-10-14T16:13:00","slug":"i-cant-stop-thinking-about-the-fact-that-my-life-is-meaningless","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wendyzhou.se\/blog\/i-cant-stop-thinking-about-the-fact-that-my-life-is-meaningless\/","title":{"rendered":"I can\u2019t stop thinking about the fact that my life is meaningless"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Note: The original version of this blog post was written and published in the beginning of 2022, I have now added an updated section at the end of this post (from the end of 2025).<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s an honest confession: I can\u2019t stop thinking about the fact that my life is meaningless. And it\u2019s making it hard for me to think about anything else or do anything else.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s distracting me from working and I\u2019m almost incapable of even enjoying any movies or books that aren’t about existentialism. I almost even exclusively only<\/em> look at existential memes<\/em>. I mean? Come on. CAN I STOP PLEASE.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Related: <\/strong>Why nothing really matters and how we are all just energy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I shared a quote on my Instagram from the book Wild Mind<\/em> by Nathalie Goldberg. One of which was this: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cWrite hard and clear about what hurts.\u201d Don\u2019t avoid it. It has all the energy. Don\u2019t worry, no one ever died of it.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

And then I realized that I should take my own advice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s hurting me the most right now is that I\u2019m trying to find a solid answer to why I should live, or why anything matters. At the same times, I know that there isn\u2019t any real answer to that question. I am also struggling to find a reason for why I should even struggle to earn more money? Is it so I can live longer? Why? Time doesn\u2019t even exist, so what am I supposed to live for. Also, why shouldn\u2019t I just spend everything I have right now and do whatever I want and then just die? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And this also brings me to other questions such as: Why should I care about getting social acceptance? What does it matter if other people think I\u2019m normal or not? Who even really<\/em> cares about anything? Even if someone did care a little bit right now, imagine me dying, and then imagine 100 years passing: Who would still be caring at that point? Probably no one, because everyone I know would be dead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not sure anyone will even read this, or if it will be helpful or valuable to anyone else, but here it is. Perhaps, hopefully, someone who feels similar to how I\u2019m feeling will find this and relate to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What is Existentialism? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I think it\u2019s pretty safe to say that I\u2019m stuck thinking about existentialism. Existentialism is the inquiry about the nature of our existence, meaning of life, and self-government. Good source for reading about existentialism: Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Formal definitions of existentialism:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cExistentialism is a form of philosophical inquiry that explores the problem of human existence.\u201d <\/p>\n

Wikipedia<\/p><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

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\u201c\u2026 approach which emphasizes the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determine their own development through acts of the will\u201d. <\/p>\nOxford Languages<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Also interesting:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201call the themes popularly associated with existentialism\u2014dread, boredom, alienation, the absurd, freedom, commitment, nothingness, and so on\u2014find their philosophical significance in the context of the search for a new categorial framework, together with its governing norm.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\nStanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

This last quote is interesting because as it says, finding oneself in existential questions can often bring out a sense of dread (from a non-existent meaning of existence), boredom, alienation, freedom (if nothing matters, then we are truly free), nothingness and a feeling of absurd-ness or surrealism.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think I\u2019m experiencing all of those side effects. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How did my existential crisis start?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

My existential crisis started sometime during 2019 and 2020. I had experienced a lot of mental pain; a blend of fear, worry, grief, and sorrow. I essentially lost everything that I identified myself with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was in so much pain and spiraling downwards until I honestly started thinking to myself that I didn\u2019t want to exist anymore. Mostly because I couldn\u2019t take the pain anymore, nor my sadness, and it felt like it would never get better, because the months kept passing by and I was still stuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then, when I actually started contemplating non-existence, it stopped me in my tracks. I really<\/em> started asking myself the question, but in a non-pitiful way: Why should I exist? What is the meaning for me battling through this? Why is everyone else still choosing to live and struggle?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s when I realized that I actually don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know why I should exist, or why anyone else is existing. I realized that none<\/em> of the things that I identified myself with before or tried to achieve (social groups and status, friendships, relationships, my body, education, job titles, money, achievements and so on) is any real reason for existence. I actually even had achieved most of my bigger life goals and wants, but still I was thinking about non-existence. So, clearly, those things could not be the reason for living.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Slowly over the coming months, my mental \u201chealth\u201d got better. I became happier, more peaceful, and excited for life again. But I became a different me, one who can\u2019t stand to live or do anything that feels inauthentic. Living authentically and in alignment with my intuition and values are the most important thing for me now. And I no longer identify myself or find much pride in things such as education, job titles or money. Although, I am happy for them since they provide me with a safety that is necessary to continuing living.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I do<\/em> want to live. But I cannot stop myself from thinking about the meaning of life. That question is the most important and interesting question for me to think about. While I can at times use meditation to stop thinking, my curiosity for finding the answer to the meaning of my life always takes over at one point or the other. It\u2019s like the BIG ELEPHANT in the room. But I also know that logically, I will most likely never ever find an answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Possible solutions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It seems that everyone else is telling me to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. Stop thinking about it. Just distract myself with other things. But this feels like a very stupid and wasteful way of living my life. How can you turn a blind eye to the most interesting and important question in your life? Would I even want to live a life like that?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Embrace and accept the meaninglessness , and try to find enjoyment in the meaninglessness by for example deciding my own new meaning to life. This sounds good, but it\u2019s not really working for my brain, at least not yet.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. Accept that life is meaningless and always will be meaningless. Which often leads people to become nihilist, depressed, and suicidal. Which I don\u2019t want to become of course.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. My personal reflection: Could I go back to how I saw reality before I started thinking about this? Would I want to even if I could? If I did, I\u2019d probably once again find meaning in chasing titles, money, social status, or things like that. Do I really want that? Meh.\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    And then once again, I am stuck at an impasse. There apparently are solutions, but I don\u2019t know how to get to them. I should probably go talk to an existential therapist but a part of me is afraid that such a person would only try to get me to think smaller again. Which is perhaps the solution, but I\u2019m mentally ready yet to give up this question, whilst I know I need to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What I live for now<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    Currently, I feel like the only meaningful things with my life (that makes we continue want to wake up in the morning are):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    • Loved ones<\/strong> and talking to them, having fun, connecting<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Art and beauty<\/strong>. Oh wow, how much<\/em> I\u2019m appreciating art and other visual stimulations right now<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Creating things<\/strong>. Writing these articles, drawing, painting, photography, taking videos, making things for my Instagram page or this website is probably one of the strongest reasons for me to want to live<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Music<\/strong>. Gives my life the richness and excitement it needs <\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Freedom to live authentically and do what I want<\/strong>. Of course I know I am very lucky, and I am so grateful for it. The ability to wake up each morning and be able to explore the world around me and all the things that exist is meaningful of course. And to know that in the future, I will be able to travel, live in different countries, read even more books, look at even more art and beautiful things, and listen to even more music; is of course very worthy.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    • Hedonistic enjoyment<\/strong>. Good food, tasty things, experiencing joy, excitement, love, adrenalin, dopamin, serotonin, and other purely enjoyable things are of course better than not experiencing anything at all<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
      \n\n\n\n

      Ah well, I haven\u2019t come any further than this in my thoughts, so I can\u2019t write about any conclusions on this topic. But one great things that have come out of all of this is that I\u2019m at least living my life really authentically, freely, inhibited, and joyfully. I am honestly very happy to be alive, and I have become the exact person that I\u2019ve always wanted to be. I have also become much less judgemental towards others (and myself). Although, at the same time, does any of it matter?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Anyway, life is meaningless. But at least it\u2019s fun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n\n\n\n

      Update from end of 2025<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      It’s been three years now since I wrote the above text. I can clearly remember how I felt at that time, and now and then I still get the same thoughts filling my mind. But I can happily say now that I don’t feel the same despair as I did then. I’m happy with where I am in my life, what I’m doing every day, and how I’m living. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The journey to get to how I’m feeling now has been long and filled with moments of self-doubt – wondering if I’d ever get past those thoughts. While I still don’t think there is a specific meaning to my life, I feel that what I am doing with it now is worth it and valuable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      If you are reading this and feel the same way as I did then, I want to give you the advice to not give up, and to be kind and patient with yourself.<\/strong> I actually do not regret any of the thoughts I had, because they have made me grow as a person, and has helped me realize the values I want to live by.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      It has helped to dedicate myself to worthy goals and occupations, which can be pursuing an education in a topic you are truly interested in or dedicating yourself to a work that you feel is providing true value and meaning to society. I have also let go of expectations, and focus on enjoying my day to day life. The goal isn’t to be something or measure yourself to any external factor – it’s just to live with ease, joy, and inspiration. I am also prioritizing my loving relationships now, before anything else. Figure out who the most important people are to you, and make sure you feel connected to them. For me it’s my family, my partner, my closest friends, and to connect with colleagues who have my best interest in my and whom I want the same for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Be kind to yourself, and if things get too hard – just let it go. Let it go. Let go and just enjoy your life. I like to think about living with ease, enjoyment, and fun. “Everything I do, I do for fun”. I work with ease and for enjoyment, I exercise for fun, I live from a place of inspiration. And if things do not fit into those categories, you can let it go.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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